captive

Tonight g, candy n i had a very good shabu shabu dinner. we were so full and we played cards. we moved onward to illy’s with wilson n we played uno. it’s so simple, silly n comfortable to be with such lovely friends. George got me a lovely green hand-made vase from their trip to japan. that’s so so kind of him.
And then when i’m back home Suet prepared me Chinese herbal tea… reheat it and brought it to me. it was so touching my dear wife.
So many people being nice to me, i feel i dun deserve but i’m so lucky, and grateful.

old classmate p. came up last night to tell us about a sad story about a girl fooling around with his feelings… it was saddening to see this side of him which i’ve never seen. he’s serious with every relationship he’s had n he’s had 2 1/2… what does it mean by passion? if it doesnt mean a prospect of love? the more i heard his story there’re more for me to reflect on…

it’s so easy to destroy a person, so easy to be destroyed…

he made mention that i was so "attached" to the study room desk in the china studies days, sitting there continuously for 10 hrs daily, that i feel remote n foreign. i asked him if i really did that n i remember i really found happiness that time, though the process was not always enjoyable. what am i doing now? what am i doing?

this morning i found a beautiful iranian blog.

pedram’s journal

[something like a phenomenon]

"I’m starting to feel a little grown up and I almost feel guilty. I’ve lived on my own before, though never in the city, never without roomates. I actually make myself sit down and study, I give myself enough time to do school work days in advance. Days, as in more than one. I’m making my bed, cleaning my room, taking care of a kitty, making a healthy vegetarian dinner, working part-time, and dusting. Things that seemed once beyond me are so incredibly natural. Of course, I’m analyzing it all in terms of behavioural psychology. When the stakes are high enough, when you actually want something it’s incredible what you suddenly manifest. I was always able to be as I am now, it’s the motivation, drive, and self-control that was missing. Some might think that you’re either born with ambition or you’re born without, then it’s just a simple matter of letting life continue while passive-aggressively taking out your anger and resentment with yourself because you aren’t in control of your fate on others. But that’s fatalist bullshit and there’s nothing more defeating than that." ……

http://pedram.livejournal.com/

see also "if i could borrow our metaphors for a minute"

i must have wished upon a shooting star.

i asked for changes and everything’s changing.

it isn’t as easy as they seemed.  the preparation work of home removal takes a lot of energy.  a new career requires so much devotion.  n it’s harsh to be independent.  financial and emotional independence.  it’s a lonely process.  a dear friend once told me about making herself happy, even if all her beloved ones leave her.  my heart ached when i heard her say that.  such a sweet n beautiful girl she is, it took me by surprise that she is so strong and she seems to understand so well life and the world. and love.  yet i don’t know about nothing.  i can’t even be good to those who are generous to me and who love me so much.  indulged in their love i take things for granted.  knowing that doesn’t mean "understanding" that.  same logic with knowing that i’m stupid doesn’t mean i can become clever.  we learn thru suffering.  i need to bear this brief n insignificant loneliness and uncertainties.  maybe by travelling to the other shore, i’ll see the beautiful landscape in the mist.

You find something different when you are at a distance. 

The way of talking, the way of moving, the way of striking a key, the way of lighting a cigarette, the way of dressing…

All but enchantering.

Is it, hence, doomed to repel?

If I say I’m not okay I must be saying it in extravagence considering who are suffering at the same time.  It’s hard.  It’s hard.

[23 April 2006, SMCP exclusive] Yesterday in Ki Lung Street a kitten was saved from a desperate situation of being trapped above the signboard four metres above the ground.  The rescuer was not a fireman but a brave passer-by of the scene.  Onlookers surrounding the scared creature reported that the kitten had been there over night crying for help, climbing up there but failed to find its way back to the ground.  It attempted to jump but was too afraid to.  A man of abnormal height observed the situation and then took swift action to borrow a wooden ladder and climbed up trying to reach the poor animal.  Doubtful and frightened as the kitten was, trust and confidence was quickly built in this critical moment.  It came to the hand of the tall guy and landed safely on the ground.  Onlookers cheered for the heroic act.

The man who kept silent throughout the whole incident was reported to fear small animals and has mysophobia.

Down with the CPE!

I had a discussion with a French friend Fred following the CPE (first employment contract) the other day.  I think it just didn’t make sense to implement a policy that is so badly perceived by the public.  It again reinforces the importance of sophisticated public relations and communications.  Even if it is a good policy it needs to be well communicated to the public.  In this aspect the US govt is skilful, they can even convince their people to have wars one after another - not that the people are more war-prone than anyone else, they are under the sentimental influences of the politicians who are good are speeches…  I do not doubt the good intention of the PM however being a strong leader he needs to be convincing as well. 

I asked him if he thought a strong leader like Margaret Thatcher would be welcome to solve problems in France.  (Incidentally, Tao Kit also wrote about how great he thought Thatcher was in comparison to the French regime.  Sadly he was too absorbed or nostalgic in the British rule that he forgot about the adverse consequences of her regime.)  Here is his reply which I find inspiring:

“… In my opinion, this might not be a good idea in itself. Of course, a strong leader is always a good thing when the economic and political situation is getting deeply wrong. But the question is: A strong leader, yes, but in order to apply what kind of policy?  Should I remind you that Miss Thatcher was the one who brought full liberalism in Great Britain and that by doing so, she destroyed completely the power of Trade Unions, thus leaving the workers defenceless against the powers of great corporations? The economic situation might seem to be better in England than in the 80’s, but when you speak with English people now they tell you that unemployment is still there and has never left the country, and that there is a large part of the employees who have no fixed jobs, who live on a daily basis, and who really fight for their lives every day… To some extent I get the feeling that the situation in England nowadays might be compared with the situation that existed in the beginning of last century… Not in terms of harshness of working conditions, but in terms of instability: when you never know what awaits you for tomorrow because there is no clear signal that the boss you are working for today may fire you off tomorrow, well, one can think that the employment situation has worsened in comparison with what it was in the past 1960’s or early 1970 (just before the first two Oil Shocks so to speak).

So, a strong leader in order to apply the same kind of policy as Miss Thatcher’s? Or in order to apply a policy which would be more egalitarian?

Mhhh, my feeling is that the anti CPE movement might be one of the numerous signs spanning over the world that people want to get a better life, a more egalitarian world, they want to live in a world where the words: Exploitation, Underemployement, Unemployement, poor working conditions are banned. They want to choose their future, and they don’t want their future to be chosen by bureaucrats and technocrats…

Does it ring you a bell OnOn?? A British singer once wrote a song called "Imagine", he was murdered in New York, the capital of Finance and Capitalism… May be one day people might think that he was a kind of Seer…”

(F. Bottex)

While we cling to the capitalist values, it’s good to hear that some “stubborn” people try to balance that with other values e.g. enjoyment of life, personal pursuits, intellectual stimulation etc. 

A film buff like you may be too busy running from theatre to theatre. Maybe both of us are alone, sitting in an obstinate corner invisible to each other. Blind Chance. What touches you touches me. I am sure you like this film that I fell for. And I already like yours thru your kino-eye.

Su-Ki-Da is a rather melodramatic Japanese film. No matter what type of cancer or deadly accident the protagonists have, the cinematography is nicely done. There is only one thing I want to remember this film for - The guy asked the girl whom he saved the previous night from a robber when she laid drunk on the street, "What do you do when things don’t work out?" The girl paused for a moment and said, "I close my eyes and try to remember a time when I liked myself."

The Little Red Flower is adapted from Wang Shuo’s fiction with the same Chinese title (看上去很美). The children actors and actresses did a marvellous job. Childhood esp in a boarding school is in no way simple. Being an outcast among the others, the experience already foretells growing up and complex human relationships.

My friends and I went to the show of Kim Tak Building afterwards. Their studio is a hip and nice one. They had a welcome reception serving cocktail for everyone and they limited the crowd to 30 which everyone could sit rather comfortably on the floor enjoying the atmospheric music. I spent the whole time playing with a cat there, tempting her/him to catch a string. It was neat.